Not Fair

Not Fair


My beloved Jonah,

Nothing about what happened to us was fair, was it? Yet we both fought so hard to have as much time together as possible. I cherish every second ❤️️

When I found out you were growing in my womb, I was both terrified and overjoyed. After a couple difficult years of losing my mom (your Grandma), and being diagnosed with lupus, you were a bright ray of sunshine and I knew you were going to be the salve that I needed to heal.

At 18 weeks, though, you got sick. You had a 1% chance of my antibodies affecting your heart. I’m so sorry that my body did this to you…it’s just so unfair. There was nothing you or I or your dad or our doctors could do to stop it. We kept our hopes up, though, didn’t we? You kept growing and kicking and getting the hiccups in my belly. We thought maybe you would make it to a chance at life outside of me.

As the weeks went on, though, your tiny heart started having such troubles supporting your growing body, and fluid started building up where it shouldn’t.

While ever other first-time mom was setting up a nursery and learning about breastfeeding, I was spending my days praying for you to fight so hard, yet trying to prepare myself for what a life without you might be like.

Nothing about this was fair to us, was it?

My precious Jonah, you fought so hard for so long – I’m so proud of you.

At 30 weeks and 3 days gestation, your struggle ended when the Lord called you home. Jonah, I’m so happy you’re at peace. You’re my precious angel baby and I know that God and your Grandma Kelly are taking such good care of you in Heaven.

Here on Earth, I had to give birth to your body. It was bloody and painful, but I was so happy to get to hold and cherish you for just a little while.

My beautiful Jonah, as my body heals from delivering you, my heart breaks that we weren’t able to be together in the way that we wanted. It’s just so unfair. Please watch over me and be with me while my broken heart begins to heal. Help me embrace that our time together was special and joyous. I mourn and miss you with every piece of my heart and soul. I will miss you every day until I can hold you again.

I will always be your mom, and I will always love you, my beautiful angel Jonah.


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