Today, I’m struggling with bridging the gap between my brain and my heart. My brain is telling me to get up and do some yoga, make a lunch date with a friend, work on my book blog, do the dishes…it’s telling me to be productive. My heart, on the other hand, just wants me to sit here and think about you, miss you, grieve you.
You see, when you were really sick in my belly, my favorite thing to do was sit and put my hands around my belly like I was holding you. I’d feel you moving, kicking, and hiccuping. It was so wonderful and comforting that I didn’t want to do anything else! I didn’t want to go do things outside the house or see people who might ask me about you…I didn’t want to have to explain that you were sick.
Now that you’re gone up to Heaven, my heart says that I need to sit here, put my hands on my empty belly, and miss you. I’ve been doing that a lot…just lying in bed, staring out the window, missing you with every inch of my body and soul. It hurts, but it feels right.
So how do I do those things that my brain says I should do, while still giving my heart what it needs? How can I enjoy a lunch date with a friend while letting my broken heart cry for you? It doesn’t seem like these things can happen at the same time.
I guess the big question is, how do I go back to a “normal life” and still carry my big, heavy grief around with me?
I just don’t know, Jonah…I just don’t know.