On Monday, I went back to work part time. Since I work from home, I just head over to my desk for 4 hours in the morning. It’s been a challenge, because I wake up thinking of you, and all I want to do is lie in bed and be sad and miss you. After I manage to shower and get dressed and make it to my desk, it’s hard to concentrate on work because I’m just thinking about you…
I think it helps, though. It helps to make myself do something that’s not totally focused on you.
Yesterday was a hard day. I’m not sure if it was because it was Valentine’s Day or what, but when I was done working, I felt so sad and sleepy that I just laid on the couch with my weighted Jonah Bear and fell asleep for over an hour. When I woke up, I was just…sad. I watched TV and didn’t do much but hold my Jonah Bear. Luckily, your daddy came home and managed to make me smile a couple times, because I love him so gosh darn much.
I wanted today to be different. I don’t want to let myself sink into a depression that keeps me on the couch. So, when I got a notification from the library that a book I requested had come in, I decided to walk through the park to the library. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping…it felt good, Jonah. It really did. Even the cold wind that was hitting my face felt good. I really needed that today.
During that walk, you know what I decided? I decided to buy new pants.
I don’t want to wear my maternity pants anymore. They remind me too much that I’m not carrying you anymore, and they also sag now because my belly isn’t big enough to hold them up. So, after my walk, I went to Old Navy, where I found a pair of cute jeans that’ll fit over my saggy tummy. And you know what else I did? I tried on a couple tops that’ll flatter my postpartum body, and I bought them. One of them is even bright yellow. The old Joli was sunny and enjoyed brightly colored things – I hope the new Joli still does, too.
Jonah, I’m so proud of myself today. I’m proud that I beat depression and I did some things for myself, and it felt good. Did I smile a whole bunch and skip through the park? Definitely not – I could feel my aching heart the whole time. I am me, but I am also my grief.
I just took my grief shopping, and I bought it new jeans.
Love you, miss you so much.