I’ve read a lot about grief and grieving since you left us, and it has really helped me cope. I understand that grief is a marathon full of steep hills and hairpin curves. I know that there will be better days and worse days. If I know that, though, why am I still so angry and sad about having a “worse” day?
Today, I got one of my migraines as soon as I woke up, and immediately had to lie back down. Fortunately, the worst of the headache passed fairly quickly, but it’s one of those headaches that leaves behind shadows of itself to stick with you for the rest of the day: the low buzz of a headache, the stiff neck, the slight nausea. These crappy feelings layered on top of missing you just didn’t make for a good day.
Beyond feeling sad, I feel angry and bitter today. It seems like it’s because yesterday was a “good” day, and today I slid backwards. I’m a competitive person by nature, and yesterday felt like winning, just a little. Today, I feel like a loser. I know this is the wrong way to feel about this, Jonah, but I just can’t help it. I just want to shine for you. I want to celebrate you, be happy that I was able to carry you, and love you unconditionally, without having to cry for you. I hope a day comes soon where I feel like I can do that.
To try to get my mood up, I went for a walk around the park. I love our park, and walking around it always helps me feel better. I had a hard time even with that today, though, because of the empty playground.
Oh Jonah, how I dreamed of taking you across the street to that playground all the time. I’d sit on the bench and watch as you joyfully ran around and played on the equipment. When you would get a little older, I would hold your little hand and walk you across the park to the Elementary School. I can’t help but feel like all of these moments got stolen away from us. It shouldn’t have been this way.
One day, you’ll have a younger sibling, and I’ll take him or her over to the park often, just like I had planned on with you. Will I miss you every time? Or will I feel at peace, seeing the rays of sunshine hitting me and your little sister or brother and knowing that you’re there with us? I hope that’s what will happen, Jonah – I hope that I can let comfort and peace in more often very soon.