It’s been one month since we said both hello and goodbye to you. One month may not sound like a lot of time, but to me, it’s a lifetime. I feel like I’ve been missing you for a very, very long time. How is it possible that, when we’re joyful, time goes by so quickly, but when we’re heartbroken, time slows down so much? Time can so cruelly bend and change with our moods.
Here I am, a new mom. Most new moms would post a picture of their baby on this day with a caption like: “I can’t believe my little man is one month old already!!” Instead, I’m writing you this letter, wondering how it’s possible that it’s been only a month since we had to say good-bye.
My heart is broken enough for a lifetime.
That day that I delivered you remains so vivid in my memory; sometimes, it just plays over and over on repeat, like my brain and my heart are still trying to comprehend what happened. Did I really go through labor? Did I use every ounce of my waning strength to push you into the world? I feel like pinching myself to make sure I’m real, and that my body really did go through all of that for you.
If my body accomplished the miracle of creating you and delivering you into the world, how is it possible that it couldn’t keep you safe? How is it possible that my body betrayed you and I in such a cruel way?
We’ll never really know, Jonah. It’s just pure science. It has nothing to do with how strong either of us is or was…it’s just the science of disease, and dumb luck. Dumb, terrible luck. I think that’s what makes this whole situation so hard to comprehend, and so difficult to accept.
Every day is a marathon. So much energy goes into living when your heart is broken. It’s like carrying a 100-pound weight on my shoulders all day long, just trying to go about regular life. The pain of missing you is not only spiritual, but also physical. My body aches for missing you.
Not every second is bad, though, Jonah. Sometimes, I’m doing ok. As the months go on, I’ll have more of those ok moments. The question is, do I want them? The guilt of feeling ok and having fun when my heart is screaming and yearning for you is real. I’ve read that many mothers of stillborn babies feel this way, and I guess I’m joining them. I’m trying not to feel that way, because I know it’s not right, but I can’t help it…it’s just there.
Oh, Jonah. I miss you so much. Happy one month to you in heaven, sweet boy <3