I’ve been doing better these past couple of days, even though your due date is quickly approaching. Today, it has been 9 weeks since I delivered you, and in 3 days, you were due.
At this nine week mark, my grief is changing. It’s not quite as raw and stabbing…I still experience those stabs sometimes, but now it’s more of a persistent ache. I’m also able to experience joyful moments more often, and for longer stretches of time. I can’t even begin to explain how good those moments feel!
This morning was difficult, though. I went to barre class, and there was a pregnant woman there. She was only two mats down from me, so every time I was turned in that direction, I would see her.
I thought that being so close to a pregnant woman would make me feel sad, but instead, I felt this incredible, deep, ugly jealousy take hold. I tried to fight it, because that’s not how I want to feel – especially when trying to have a great workout!
I’ve discovered that, when grieving, feelings get so jumbled and difficult to understand, and incredibly difficult to control. Most of the time, I don’t want to control them though…I want to experience whatever it is I need to feel in that moment. Jealousy, though, I just didn’t want! I want to be happy for and supportive of pregnant women, because no matter how healthy or difficult your pregnancy is, it’s a ball of emotions. Pregnant women need support, not jealous, ugly sideways glances.
I tried to stop the jealousy and turn it into something else, but I just couldn’t, and it didn’t feel good. It felt angry and ugly and deep…such strong negative emotions.
Jonah, I need for you to be with me in every moment, but especially those moments where I’m struggling with feeling something I don’t want to feel. I want to close my eyes, feel your presence, and let those ugly feelings melt away and be replaced by love for you.
Miss you, little man <3