I haven’t written a letter to you here in a while, but I’ve been thinking about you and carrying you in my heart every moment of every day.
I’m now in my 11th week of missing you – that’s almost three months. At first, time felt like it was going so slowly, whereas now, it feels like it’s flying by. When I think about how it’s been almost three months since I delivered you, I just can’t believe it’s been that long. I think that it’ll just always feel like yesterday. That moment is so life-changing, I don’t think its vividness will ever fade from my memory.
I’ve moved from being sad all the time to having some amazing moments of joy. They lift my heart and help me feel your light surrounding me, soothing me.
One of the best places to feel that joy is when I’m driving in the car, with the music turned up. The first time I caught myself singing along after losing you, I felt guilty and wrong. How could I be joyful when you were gone?
Throughout the next couple weeks, I worked on allowing myself to feel joy. I knew that denying myself happiness wouldn’t be at all helpful, nor was it something that I deserved.
Now, I’ve put a list of some of my favorite songs to rock out to in the car on my phone, so that I can set up those moments for myself. And you know what? It’s awesome, and it almost always works. There’s nothing like just letting loose and singing (badly) along.
My favorite of the moment is this one:
Hope you’re rocking out up in Heaven, my little man <3