After writing prolifically here on my blog several times a week since just a couple weeks after losing my son, it has been quiet (too quiet) for an entire week. Did anyone notice the tumbleweeds roll by? I posted a couple of things on Instagram, but have been otherwise MIA. The reason: this was one of the hardest weeks I’ve had since the first couple after having Jonah.
My blog may have been a dry stretch of content-less desert, but in my head, there was a violent firestorm of bitterness, anger and other such difficult emotions. For the first time since Jonah’s birth, I couldn’t even write out my feelings. I was dumbfounded by what was going on, and unable to explain it in my usual medium of words. I think I’ve grasped it a little better now, so I’m going for it.
You see, this week, I started having a lupus flare. For me, that mostly means physical pain and fatigue. This time, it’s really settling in my wrists and chest, but moves around to my shoulders, elbows, knees and feet. In general, it’s inflammation of joins and my chest wall, making moving difficult and my fuse incredibly short. Put that life-altering pain on top of deep grief, the approaching Mother’s Day holiday, and PMS, and you have the perfect storm of terribleness.
I’ve tried so hard to continue being gentle with myself and listen to my body and my grief, and both of those things told me that I needed to slow down, enjoy long stretches of reading or just watching TV, and relax my aching body. For some reason, my go-to coping mechanism of writing just wasn’t included, and I decided that that’s just going to have to be okay. I’ll tell you though, after chatting with a publisher last week about a Letters to Jonah book (eeeeeek), going into a writing funk the very next week was not easy to deal with at all.
As of tonight, I’m still struggling with the lupus pain (it’s currently in my right hand, making it hard to type), and will have to call the doctor tomorrow. The fact that Mother’s Day is next weekend makes me want to just crawl into a hole for the entire week and bask in my misery of physical and mental pain.
If there are other mamas out there reading this that have gone through pain issues while dealing with grief, how did you make it through? How were you able to bear the physical pain when your heart was also deep in grief? I could really use the advice <3
Love to you all on Bereaved Mother’s Day (the jury is out for me on whether I like this holiday or not, but heck, I can still wish you love).