I haven’t written here on Letters to Jonah in more than a week – 11 days, to be exact. I guess you could say I’m busy, as Courageous Mothers is turning into a wonderful place on the web for mamas to go to find comfort and community after loss. There were times, though, that I definitely could have sat down with my thoughts and written a blog post here on LTJ. I even wanted to. Yet, for some reason, I didn’t.
That’s where I am here in month 5. I know that everyone has a different progression of grief, but a lot of us go through generally the same kinds of feelings. In the beginning, I was understandably much more in shock, inconsolable, and just plain sad. As time went on, I was able to find rays of light in each day, and I actually felt the healing happening in the quiet moments I made for myself. I felt like I was “getting better” – not great, but moving into another stage of grief.
Just over the past week and a half or so, I’ve been moving into another phase of grief that’s not too pleasant: depression. I just want to interject here, THANK GOD FOR THERAPISTS, because mine tells me that this is “normal”. I’m not so depressed that I’m unable to find good things in each day, but it’s definitely making life difficult. There are things, for example, that I love doing, like writing here, that I feel like I enjoy doing, but for some reason, I just don’t. Everything takes me a long time to do…I can’t hit deadlines, I’m unreliable. I just want to hang out and read all day, or just do things that don’t involve a lot of thinking.
Yesterday, I was talking to my therapist about this phase, and about how much it sucks. There’s a lot more just being plain depressed about it all. My life isn’t going in the direction it was supposed to go, so now what? Every time I see another pregnancy announcement, my heart sinks. I’m happy for them, but I can’t get beyond the unfairness of it all. It’s just..depressing. Thankfully, my therapist had good advice about feeling these bouts of depression – just remember that this is not forever. I won’t be depressed forever. Just like the other stages of grief, I’ll move from this into something else.
Right now, though, this is where I am. Instead of getting angry at myself for not being able to kick the depression, I’m just going to do what I can to let it happen and know that there’s still happiness in my life, and in the world. Overthinking being stuck in depression just seems to make it worse for me, so instead, I’m going to do whatever it is I end up feeling like doing at the time, within reason. If I have a free afternoon and all I really want to do is lay around with a book, well, that’s what I’ll do.